Title: The One I've Lost
Rated: PG-ish
Pairing: J/D
Category: Angst, pre-slash
Date: 8/5/00
SPOILERS: To be safe, for all of season 4 starting with 'Divide And Conquer'
Archive: Yes to JackDaniels and anyone else that wants it, but tell me first.

Disclaimer: I don't own diddly squat here! The characters and the lovely world they're in belong to MGM, Showtime, and other big production companies i probably forgot about. Nope, no money is being made off of this (like anyone would pay ME?) and no copyright infringement is intended.

Synopsis: Daniel gets some things off his chest.

Notes: I'm typing up the disclaimer and everything while a spider the size of my fist is trying to attack me. Where's one of Daniel's thick books when ya need 'em, huh? Oh, thanks to Aim for persuading me to send this in.

~~~

"Are you all right, Daniel?"

"Yes. I mean, no. I mean...Can I talk to you about...um...?"

"Of course. I was wondering when you would, actually."

"How...how did you know?"

"I have my ways."

"I don't know what to do, how to go about this....I..."

"Shh. Just tell me your feelings, Dr. Jackson. And take your time."

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It's all happening so fast. Our bond changed somehow. I'll watch them from my small spot away from the team I've made for myself recently. I'll watch Jack and Sam conversing or dealing out the orders on a mission and I know something's changed. How could I not know? The glances one will give the other when they think the coast is clear, the way they talk to each other, act around each other. It's not extremely noticeable, but I've picked up on it. Teal'C seems to have also, although he doesn't give away more than an eyebrow raise. It's almost sad when you can determine the differences in such a tiny movement. Add that to my list of languages I know.

Oh, nearly lost my train of thought there. Wouldn't be a first time. The changes started after Anise came with news about the false memories and her device to scan them out. Hell, but even then Jack was still talking with me! "These are the Jack O'Neil moments I'll miss the most," I said. Didn't know how right I was at the time. I miss him. Oh, it looks like he's not 5 feet from me, but in actuality he's a hundred miles away. Trouble is, I don't know how to pull him back.

I may be oblivious to a lot of things, I may even lack a good amount of common sense, but I'm not blind! Jack and Sam have feelings for each other. Just call me Sherlock. But how deep do those feelings go? Well, deep enough for Jack to disobey command, risk his life and forget all about me. Deep enough for Sam to become his lap dog! She's become a regular Yes-man. Woman. Major. Whatever.

I remember when Jack would risk his life for me and I for him. I've almost lost him so many times I've forbidden myself to keep count. It's killed a little piece of me every time. Not like it's killing me now. Now my whole being feeling like it's being stomped on. He doesn't talk to me unless it's to bark out orders, which Sam would fall all over herself trying to obey. At least it's something. Usually he'll just plain ignore me.

He's the most important thing to me. I'd give everything up for him! You know why? Because he's my best friend. He's the one person who's been there for me through thick and thin, the person who took me in and helped me get adjusted to life on Earth again. He helped me deal with Shar're and free Skaara. Most importantly, he's never left me or tossed me aside. Well...until now.

I've been moved from place to place all through my childhood, never getting attached to anyone. Never had time. Not that anyone would give me the time of day anyway. But Jack was the one constant in my life. It didn't matter if the whole SGC crumbled before my eyes, Jack would be there with me. That's what I thought. Now it seems Jack would be there, but he'd be the one tossing debris on me in order to dig Sam out. And that green-eyed monster has possessed me way more than it should have.

The real kicks in the gut have been lately. After Jack and Teal'C came out of the three month time warp I had asked Jack if he had done anything crazy since there would be no consequences. I had hoped whatever he'd done, he'd have included me in it at the time. The thoughts of things he could have done with me raced through my mind, scaring myself at one or two of them I came up with. But then, he smiled and looked at Sam. It hurt and I didn't know why. This kind of proved there was more going on than I thought.

On the last planet, when we were down in the mines with new personalities programed into our brains, it was proven more. After Jack and I fought in the meal line and I found we were friends, somewhere in the back of my mind...and maybe even my heart...I knew it was true. I couldn't let it go for the life of me. It felt right. Later, the three of us were meeting late at night pondering and sharing dreams. I loved being able to talk to Jack. I was on my way to meet them when I heard them talking about "remembering feelings" for one another. I think my heart dropped. When I snuck a glance at them damn near cuddling, I was sure my heart was cut open, but somehow killing me slowly. I couldn't handle it and just walked back to my cot.

Teal'C has taken up the role as my "bodyguard" through all this. He hovers over me making sure I'm all right, defending me. Does he know something I don't? I'm grateful for him, though. I thank every deity I know for a friend like that. Then again, I thanked every deity I knew for a friend like Jack. And, believe me, I know a LOT of deities.

Now I keep coming back to the same damn conclusion. I've lost him. That evil little voice in my brain announces it over and over. It's true, isn't it? I've lost my best friend. I'm being tossed away again just like before, but unlike before it feels worse. My whole soul is screaming at an emptiness that threatens to take over. I put on a mask like nothing's wrong and it's slowly slipping away. It's hurts so DAMN much! I want him back. I want my friend! I...I want....the one i.....love.

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Dr. Daniel Jackson crumpled out of his chair and onto the floor, crying tears for his loss he's held back for too long. A wordless prayer to any god that was listening to give back what means the most to him. To give him a fucking break for once! Janet knelt beside him, silently watching the man crawl back into himself like in the beginning, regretfully knowing she couldn't do anything about it.

"Thank you." It was barely audible.

"Anytime, Daniel. Anytime...."

END